I'm feeling bad. I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling like nobody cares and nobody hears. I feel so lonely and I feel so alone. I feel so burdened and is it hurt? Is it disappointment or frustrations? Is it just me? Am I too paranoid?

Maybe, I am meant to be single for life, alone and lonely. Maybe, just maybe I am meant to be this way. I always cry myself to sleep. I am always sad, it is not because I am single, but it is because everyone is always so busy, sometimes I feel like shutting down. Hibernate.

teh damo pa to may medication error???

I didn't know if I had written something about it, but then I clearly remember the incident and made a report about it. I had my night duty and a nurse went to the pharmacy to get her medications. She asked me who I was and I told her my name then she's having some dilemma if she should ask me something that's bothering her thoughts, and made a decision to ask me anyway. It was the medication error I could clearly and vividly remember. (If you have read my post about ERTAPENEM and IMIPENEM instance) then you could relate.

Here's our conversation:

RN: miss, ano gani name mo?
RPh: Tin2, ngaw?
RN: ah ikaw to nagserve SALA no? ang kay patient (private) bala na Ertapenem haw?
RPh: huo, ngaa aw? ano to haw? (I thought it was totally over because it had been a month or so)
RN: ah, kay nakareceive ako bi memo. nag IR ka to?
RPh: huo, nag ubra ko to IR, ano ang memo?
RN: ahh, wala na may ginpa ubra sa imo? pila to gani imo ginserve?
RPh: 6 vials kay 1g, ay, indi gali. 3 lang then may standing pagid sya na 3 kay q8h.
RN: IR lang gid ya ginpa himo sa imo?
RPh: huo, ano haw?
RN: ah, kay wala man kamo ya ga hatag bulong mo (in a sarcastic tone, more like talking to herself rather than me)

Then she was gone, and I didn't understand our conversation and her point. I didn't get the memo and whatever. I know she's the one who gave the first dose and definitely, she made the medication error. I can feel her anxiety and denial, because she's a newbie, and she may be suspended or worst evicted.

She came back hours later and ask same questions again, I went out to talk to her.

RN: kadumdum ka pa to?
RPh: huo eh
RN: wala naman lang to tani, kay hipsan lang naman to tani galing kay nabaton ang IR mo
RPh: sang pagkabalo ko na nagsala ko ya, nag IR ko dayon kay sala ko mo, wala ko gahipos lang
RN: basta nagbasa gid ko ya, tanan na order sa chart gin basa ko, dayon sang pagpakita na lang sa akon sang vial, didto ko na confuse kung ano ang ginhatag ko.
RPh: ano ang memo haw?
RN:.....

I was taken aback, I keep on recalling the facts and what she told me that they would just keep silent about it, until I made the incident report. I was like, I made an error and I reported it immediately because I know that it was my sole responsibility and I'm risking the life of the patient, I only wanted for them to get well and not to kill them by my error. I reported the error so that the physicians will know about it, and if there's any complications, they could resort to some curing and they would know what was the cause. If I keep silent about it, how many more patients were given the same wrong treatment? How many more errors will be silenced? We should learn to accept our mistakes, because we are not perfect and who would like to commit an error? No one wanted to make a mistake, no one wanted to be blamed but then there are times that we can't avoid these serious circumstances, we just need to accept the facts that we are human and we're not perfect, we need to be reminded that we have rooms for improvement and experience.

Tani, kabalo man ang nurse mag accept na may sala siya, indi niya pag i-deny sa iya self na tawo lang siya gakasala man, kag indi lang tani pag hipusan ang mga bagay na seryoso kay sila ga handle sang patient kag indi lang basta-basta ang kabuhi sang isa ka pasyente. Kung nurse siya na tuod kag ga lantaw siya sang sitwayson, kabalo gid siya kung ano ang dapat niya himuon, indi ako ang basulon ya ngaa nag IR ko, kay gin amin ko na gani nga may sala ko. tani siya man, accept niya na lang na sa amo to na mga tini-on nagkasala man siya.

Dear DAD,

Dear DAD,

I am talking to you again, you know that I love talking to you, though at times I am missing things we're supposed to talk about. You know me that well, that even if I'm not saying anything, you know that there's something wrong. You know how much I want to scream out loud, how much I'm hurting, how was my day. You know everything about me, from the number of hair strands to the toes on my feet. Today, I know that you know what I'm feeling, you are my hero, my bestest friend, my everything,my shoulder to cry on, my knight in a shining armor, right?

Dad, I want to tell you that I feel so bad right now. I feel so down and sad, alone and lonely. I feel so hurt and scarred, wounded and bleeding. I want to cry my heart out but then tears won't fall from my eyes. Dad, in these moments I know you're there, you will never leave me, and you will carry me in your strong arms, to lift me up and wipe my tears away. Dad, please hug me tight and never let me go, I badly need you. Your baby needs you, always

I feel so bad, I don't know why. I feel burned, hurt, wounded, scarred. I feel so down, and feel so lonely and sad. I feel like I'm carrying the world around me, but I just need to think that others have greater problems than what I am having right now. I just need to be thankful for everything, may it be trials or tests, I know that God will never let me handle things I can't do.

Sometimes, I want to hide, I want to shout my heart out, I want to go somewhere and let my wings fly. I want to be somewhere I'm supposed to be, somewhere I could find peace and solemnity, somewhere I could think and reflect. G-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!! I really feel bad!!!

To Thee I pray

I am supposed to post something, but then Iron Man 3 diverted my attention and I tend to forgot the topic that has been on my mind since last week (I guess?)... I am still thinking about work in the middle of the night.

To tell you honestly, I loved being a pharmacist and I love my work so well, I can work all day long without complaining how tiring it is, but in the past months, I can really feel it. I can feel how tiring it is, especially when you can see that you're the only one doing your job well, and the others are just there, doing what they do best and that is (staring at you while you're working). How good would you feel about that?

I am not the type of person who would complain about petty things, if I could hold it, then I would, if I could just ignore it, then absolutely I would. I am very patient and kind, and maybe I'm wrong about it, I already rendered my resignation last September 2, 2013 and it is to be effective this October 2, but then my superior trashed it, she didn't want me to resign, it was actually my 3rd letter (as far as I can remember) and it was the 3rd refusal. I am really wondering why she's not willing to let go of me, because she approved resignation letters prior to mine. She asked my what were my reasons, I told her that it has nothing to do with work but rather with the people I'm working with. I am not happy anymore with the people that are surrounding me, because I feel that I am becoming someone I am not, I'm becoming someone I didn't want to. I know how to get mad, I learned how to scold others, it's like I'm becoming a monster and I never wanted that. I am having trouble with my conscience and my relationship with them.

I told my superior that I better quit than becoming someone I will regret in the future, to avoid the breakage of relationship, I better leave. I am not someone who will just sit there and see what's happening, but I am someone who does her job and even their jobs. (sigh) I don't know what to do anymore, especially now that I'm the one making the schedule. I know that they are talking behind my back because of their requests that were not granted. I don't know how to deal with them anymore.

I am just asking for more patience, strength and enlightenment. I lift them up to you, oh Lord. I badly need your help, please touch their hearts and clear their minds. Please help them with their stress and their problems. I am offering my weary and tired body to you, please heal me and let me by your side always. Please never ever let go of me. I thank you for always being there.

Feeling Blessed

It's been so long since I visit this site, and I tend to forgot that it exists. I was about to sleep when I felt the urge to write about something so wonderful, something so happy, that made me realized how blessed I am. How some events could make you change your point of views.

I had my 12 hours duty earlier this day, from 10am to 10 pm, and it's very tiring because you work non-stoop, you just have a 30 minutes break, you stand and check the medications, and you have a big responsibility of not committing an error.

Being a pharmacist is a tiring job, you take full responsibility of your actions, sometimes you're in the verge of quitting, but then you will realized that you were called to be in that profession, a pharmacist. There are so many whys and hows, so many questions that needs to be answered. So many things to do, but then at the end of the day, you feel accomplished and blessed.

I will not talk about the life of a pharmacist especially in the hospital setting, I will talk about the event that made me realized how blessed I am, how better my life is than the others. I got a prescription that states "Noradrenaline 4 amps" that's just it, without the dosage strength and instructions, just plain generic and number of ampules to purchase. So, knowing that Noradrenaline is also known as Norepinephrine, I gave him the cheapest brand we had, because I know that he didn't have enough money to buy the medication, he asked for the price, and I explained to him that there are different dosage strength but all of them are in ampule form. I gave him the prices for each corresponding ampule. Then told him that he needs 4, and when he realized that he didn't have enough he cursed, (it's for his situation) and I really understood why, because the patient is in the ICU and I know that these 4 ampules will be used as a drip, maybe to longer the life of the patient, I really pity the man, because I know he will need a lot more to buy the medicines, and to think where will he get them? To think that he will ask someone for help to owe money will be hard on their part, it is hard to ask someone help especially in this time of the year. You throw away your pride and if you need to sell your soul, you would.

This little incident made me realized or reminded me how blessed I am to be working, alive and kicking, living in a good home, having food on our table, I can buy what I want and I can do what I what. I feel the urge to help the man, but then I don't have resources to do so, all I can do is pray for them. And I really pray for them. And I thank the Lord for the blessings and for making me an instrument to help others.

Now, I learned another lesson. PEOPLE DO CHANGE, and they change rapidly, they change fast. I am just thinking that, no matter how good, nice and kind you are to others, you can't deny the fact that they could hurt you either meant or not. There are just people who will take you for granted.

I wonder what I did wrong, why are friendship drifted away, why is it that it's too easy for that person to let go and act as if nothing's wrong,  as if we didn't have a strong friendship, I feel like a trash, after everything I've done and everything I did for that someone, it's like that someone just dropped me, that someone doesn't need me anymore.

It's just so painful that I feel worthless, that I feel so bad about it. Because that person did it a lot of times, I keep on forgiving and forgetting but I think this time I've reached my limit and this time I'm done. This time, I learned that sometimes being too nice could also mean hurting yourself without knowing. God help me please.