I'm feeling bad. I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling like nobody cares and nobody hears. I feel so lonely and I feel so alone. I feel so burdened and is it hurt? Is it disappointment or frustrations? Is it just me? Am I too paranoid?

Maybe, I am meant to be single for life, alone and lonely. Maybe, just maybe I am meant to be this way. I always cry myself to sleep. I am always sad, it is not because I am single, but it is because everyone is always so busy, sometimes I feel like shutting down. Hibernate.

teh damo pa to may medication error???

I didn't know if I had written something about it, but then I clearly remember the incident and made a report about it. I had my night duty and a nurse went to the pharmacy to get her medications. She asked me who I was and I told her my name then she's having some dilemma if she should ask me something that's bothering her thoughts, and made a decision to ask me anyway. It was the medication error I could clearly and vividly remember. (If you have read my post about ERTAPENEM and IMIPENEM instance) then you could relate.

Here's our conversation:

RN: miss, ano gani name mo?
RPh: Tin2, ngaw?
RN: ah ikaw to nagserve SALA no? ang kay patient (private) bala na Ertapenem haw?
RPh: huo, ngaa aw? ano to haw? (I thought it was totally over because it had been a month or so)
RN: ah, kay nakareceive ako bi memo. nag IR ka to?
RPh: huo, nag ubra ko to IR, ano ang memo?
RN: ahh, wala na may ginpa ubra sa imo? pila to gani imo ginserve?
RPh: 6 vials kay 1g, ay, indi gali. 3 lang then may standing pagid sya na 3 kay q8h.
RN: IR lang gid ya ginpa himo sa imo?
RPh: huo, ano haw?
RN: ah, kay wala man kamo ya ga hatag bulong mo (in a sarcastic tone, more like talking to herself rather than me)

Then she was gone, and I didn't understand our conversation and her point. I didn't get the memo and whatever. I know she's the one who gave the first dose and definitely, she made the medication error. I can feel her anxiety and denial, because she's a newbie, and she may be suspended or worst evicted.

She came back hours later and ask same questions again, I went out to talk to her.

RN: kadumdum ka pa to?
RPh: huo eh
RN: wala naman lang to tani, kay hipsan lang naman to tani galing kay nabaton ang IR mo
RPh: sang pagkabalo ko na nagsala ko ya, nag IR ko dayon kay sala ko mo, wala ko gahipos lang
RN: basta nagbasa gid ko ya, tanan na order sa chart gin basa ko, dayon sang pagpakita na lang sa akon sang vial, didto ko na confuse kung ano ang ginhatag ko.
RPh: ano ang memo haw?
RN:.....

I was taken aback, I keep on recalling the facts and what she told me that they would just keep silent about it, until I made the incident report. I was like, I made an error and I reported it immediately because I know that it was my sole responsibility and I'm risking the life of the patient, I only wanted for them to get well and not to kill them by my error. I reported the error so that the physicians will know about it, and if there's any complications, they could resort to some curing and they would know what was the cause. If I keep silent about it, how many more patients were given the same wrong treatment? How many more errors will be silenced? We should learn to accept our mistakes, because we are not perfect and who would like to commit an error? No one wanted to make a mistake, no one wanted to be blamed but then there are times that we can't avoid these serious circumstances, we just need to accept the facts that we are human and we're not perfect, we need to be reminded that we have rooms for improvement and experience.

Tani, kabalo man ang nurse mag accept na may sala siya, indi niya pag i-deny sa iya self na tawo lang siya gakasala man, kag indi lang tani pag hipusan ang mga bagay na seryoso kay sila ga handle sang patient kag indi lang basta-basta ang kabuhi sang isa ka pasyente. Kung nurse siya na tuod kag ga lantaw siya sang sitwayson, kabalo gid siya kung ano ang dapat niya himuon, indi ako ang basulon ya ngaa nag IR ko, kay gin amin ko na gani nga may sala ko. tani siya man, accept niya na lang na sa amo to na mga tini-on nagkasala man siya.

Dear DAD,

Dear DAD,

I am talking to you again, you know that I love talking to you, though at times I am missing things we're supposed to talk about. You know me that well, that even if I'm not saying anything, you know that there's something wrong. You know how much I want to scream out loud, how much I'm hurting, how was my day. You know everything about me, from the number of hair strands to the toes on my feet. Today, I know that you know what I'm feeling, you are my hero, my bestest friend, my everything,my shoulder to cry on, my knight in a shining armor, right?

Dad, I want to tell you that I feel so bad right now. I feel so down and sad, alone and lonely. I feel so hurt and scarred, wounded and bleeding. I want to cry my heart out but then tears won't fall from my eyes. Dad, in these moments I know you're there, you will never leave me, and you will carry me in your strong arms, to lift me up and wipe my tears away. Dad, please hug me tight and never let me go, I badly need you. Your baby needs you, always

I feel so bad, I don't know why. I feel burned, hurt, wounded, scarred. I feel so down, and feel so lonely and sad. I feel like I'm carrying the world around me, but I just need to think that others have greater problems than what I am having right now. I just need to be thankful for everything, may it be trials or tests, I know that God will never let me handle things I can't do.

Sometimes, I want to hide, I want to shout my heart out, I want to go somewhere and let my wings fly. I want to be somewhere I'm supposed to be, somewhere I could find peace and solemnity, somewhere I could think and reflect. G-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!! I really feel bad!!!

To Thee I pray

I am supposed to post something, but then Iron Man 3 diverted my attention and I tend to forgot the topic that has been on my mind since last week (I guess?)... I am still thinking about work in the middle of the night.

To tell you honestly, I loved being a pharmacist and I love my work so well, I can work all day long without complaining how tiring it is, but in the past months, I can really feel it. I can feel how tiring it is, especially when you can see that you're the only one doing your job well, and the others are just there, doing what they do best and that is (staring at you while you're working). How good would you feel about that?

I am not the type of person who would complain about petty things, if I could hold it, then I would, if I could just ignore it, then absolutely I would. I am very patient and kind, and maybe I'm wrong about it, I already rendered my resignation last September 2, 2013 and it is to be effective this October 2, but then my superior trashed it, she didn't want me to resign, it was actually my 3rd letter (as far as I can remember) and it was the 3rd refusal. I am really wondering why she's not willing to let go of me, because she approved resignation letters prior to mine. She asked my what were my reasons, I told her that it has nothing to do with work but rather with the people I'm working with. I am not happy anymore with the people that are surrounding me, because I feel that I am becoming someone I am not, I'm becoming someone I didn't want to. I know how to get mad, I learned how to scold others, it's like I'm becoming a monster and I never wanted that. I am having trouble with my conscience and my relationship with them.

I told my superior that I better quit than becoming someone I will regret in the future, to avoid the breakage of relationship, I better leave. I am not someone who will just sit there and see what's happening, but I am someone who does her job and even their jobs. (sigh) I don't know what to do anymore, especially now that I'm the one making the schedule. I know that they are talking behind my back because of their requests that were not granted. I don't know how to deal with them anymore.

I am just asking for more patience, strength and enlightenment. I lift them up to you, oh Lord. I badly need your help, please touch their hearts and clear their minds. Please help them with their stress and their problems. I am offering my weary and tired body to you, please heal me and let me by your side always. Please never ever let go of me. I thank you for always being there.

Feeling Blessed

It's been so long since I visit this site, and I tend to forgot that it exists. I was about to sleep when I felt the urge to write about something so wonderful, something so happy, that made me realized how blessed I am. How some events could make you change your point of views.

I had my 12 hours duty earlier this day, from 10am to 10 pm, and it's very tiring because you work non-stoop, you just have a 30 minutes break, you stand and check the medications, and you have a big responsibility of not committing an error.

Being a pharmacist is a tiring job, you take full responsibility of your actions, sometimes you're in the verge of quitting, but then you will realized that you were called to be in that profession, a pharmacist. There are so many whys and hows, so many questions that needs to be answered. So many things to do, but then at the end of the day, you feel accomplished and blessed.

I will not talk about the life of a pharmacist especially in the hospital setting, I will talk about the event that made me realized how blessed I am, how better my life is than the others. I got a prescription that states "Noradrenaline 4 amps" that's just it, without the dosage strength and instructions, just plain generic and number of ampules to purchase. So, knowing that Noradrenaline is also known as Norepinephrine, I gave him the cheapest brand we had, because I know that he didn't have enough money to buy the medication, he asked for the price, and I explained to him that there are different dosage strength but all of them are in ampule form. I gave him the prices for each corresponding ampule. Then told him that he needs 4, and when he realized that he didn't have enough he cursed, (it's for his situation) and I really understood why, because the patient is in the ICU and I know that these 4 ampules will be used as a drip, maybe to longer the life of the patient, I really pity the man, because I know he will need a lot more to buy the medicines, and to think where will he get them? To think that he will ask someone for help to owe money will be hard on their part, it is hard to ask someone help especially in this time of the year. You throw away your pride and if you need to sell your soul, you would.

This little incident made me realized or reminded me how blessed I am to be working, alive and kicking, living in a good home, having food on our table, I can buy what I want and I can do what I what. I feel the urge to help the man, but then I don't have resources to do so, all I can do is pray for them. And I really pray for them. And I thank the Lord for the blessings and for making me an instrument to help others.

Now, I learned another lesson. PEOPLE DO CHANGE, and they change rapidly, they change fast. I am just thinking that, no matter how good, nice and kind you are to others, you can't deny the fact that they could hurt you either meant or not. There are just people who will take you for granted.

I wonder what I did wrong, why are friendship drifted away, why is it that it's too easy for that person to let go and act as if nothing's wrong,  as if we didn't have a strong friendship, I feel like a trash, after everything I've done and everything I did for that someone, it's like that someone just dropped me, that someone doesn't need me anymore.

It's just so painful that I feel worthless, that I feel so bad about it. Because that person did it a lot of times, I keep on forgiving and forgetting but I think this time I've reached my limit and this time I'm done. This time, I learned that sometimes being too nice could also mean hurting yourself without knowing. God help me please.

Hello there, spider!!!

I've been away far too long. I guess, I really need to visit this blog more often. I will not make any promises because I can't keep them, especially when it comes to blogging. I always end up watching videos and some stupid random stuffs rather than tapping the keyboard and publish it.

Well, maybe sometimes, I'll just post some random pictures that express what I feel. =)

Feeling down

I feel so alone. I am alone! Why am I alone? It's a sad feeling, a feeling you can't get over in a short time. A feeling that's haunting you wherever you are. A feeling where you can't change and deny.

Presents!!!

It's finally Christmas!!! I am so happy that it came. Celebrating the birth of our saviour, spending time with our family. Catching up.

Christmas ia the season I always look forward to. Because it is the time ahere everyone seems so nice and good. Churches are filled with mass goers, aside from the delicious food. We have gifts to give and open too.

Yeah, i received presents this christmas but then i still miss gifts coming from my parents where i could enjoy opening them. Where i could be surprise what's inside the wrapper. Yeah, I'm maybe of age but then I still have a heart of a kid. I still want surprises and gifts where i could really feel that they made an effort in giving me something. Cash is good but it defeats the purpose of gift giving. I can just say that maybe it's out of obligation thst they gave me gift because i'm their daughter. I know it's somewhat nothing but then I want something aside from cash. I want something with effort atleast. I am not counting what I've done but then they could take time to buy something for other people but not their own daughter? I am not that hard to please cause even just a small something could make me happy. I didn't ask for something so expensive. I even didn't ask for anything because i am the only one who makes my wishlist come true.

Ok, it's Christmas. It's not my birthday but His. I just want to thank you Lord for everything. I want to thank you for your unconditional love and for protecting me and my family. I just want to thank you for sending us your only son to be our saviour. Lord, thanks for the learnings and reflections that i had. Let your will be done and not mine. For i know that your plan is always the best and for the good. :)

Harry Potter fan

I must admit, that I'm a big fan, no, a huge fan of HARRY POTTER. It's more than a decade now, I've been crushing on Harry Potter since I was in grade school, until now I guess. I laughed, cried and my emotions were stirred when I was reading the books and watching the movies. There are things about Harry Potter that made me who I am right now. One thing is, I learned to love reading books because of the sequel. It made me believe in magic even more.

I just don't have the right words to describe how in love I am with Harry Potter (the character in the books) then when Daniel Radcliffe played the role of HP, I learned to love him too. Not just a mere crush, more than like and a little of love. (a little eh????) My pockets are always empty just to buy some collectibles and poster of HP.

Ok, enough with HP, let me get straight to Daniel Radcliffe, I already mentioned that I love him (LOL). I was devastated when I learned that he already had a girlfriend. I was like so depressed and sad, I said to myself that they will break up someday, and boom! They broke up, but then again he found another love, and just this morning I found out that he is now single. When I already accepted the fact that we will never cross each other's paths. My heart jump out of joy, I was speechless. But then, no matter whom he will love next I'll be happy for them because I want him to be happiest with someone he loves.

Lastly, I was screaming when I heard the news that they are filming the ninth Harry Potter movie, but the sad thing is, it will only be shown in Harry Potter theme parks. So, my goal now is to save up for the Japan Harry Potter theme park opening about 2 years from now. I just hope so!!!

Christmas Shopping

Ten days to go and it's Christmas, still, I haven't done my Christmas Shopping. So many things to do, so little time, nah! I am just too lazy to buy some stuffs for my family and friends. I have no patience in terms of lining up the cashier and pay for the things I bought. I also don't know how to give them for Christmas. I have no idea what to give my family, and lastly, my BUDGET. I don't know where to get it. HAHA!!! (I'm on leave and I have no salary!) :(

I badly need suggestions and donations. I need them ASAP!!!

Forever Alone

Lately, I am feeling that loneliness, that feeling when you feel so down and alone. When you feel the longing to be with someone or something. Yes, I have friends and family but still you search for something that's lacking. It's like a missing piece in a puzzle or a cherry on an ice cream. Have you ever feel that despite the moment that you're in a crowd you feel so lonely inside?

I am feeling that way for months now, and I don't know what to do anymore. I am eating alone, walking alone, strolling alone. I am always alone. Yes, I know I am way too independent that maybe I was used to do things by myself, but sometimes I also need a companion. I also need someone in my life who would do things for me, but then, maybe finding that someone will take some time. Waiting for that someone will take a lot of days, months or even years. But I'm still willing to wait no matter how silly it seems. I know in my heart that there is someone meant for me, I may not meet him now, but I know in the future I will. And I will no longer be forever alone.

I am YOURs

Why am I Single??

Everyone is asking me this question. "hey, you're already 23, are you still single?" then there's a follow-up question of the big "WHY"? This time I don't know how to answer because they won't take "basta" for an answer. They want me to explain, they want the because of their whys.

Well, I have now the reason why I am single, it is not because that I am too picky or I have a high standard. It is maybe because that I am full of love from the people around me that it is overflowing that I don't have the time to look for more. It is because that I wasn't able to found that someone who could love me like my dad and mom, it is because that I wasn't able to meet that someone who could understand me, who would love me unconditionally and who would do everything to know me deeper, who would love the real me, and not only the things that they see me, I wasn't able to meet that someone who sees through me, through my very soul and my well being. I wasn't able too meet that someone who could love or even surpass the love of God. I wasn't able to meet that someone who could love me without any reason, I wasn't able to KNOW someone whom I can be perfectly imperfect. I know there's still a lot of reason why I am single, because you know what? I am more than happy to spend my time with HIM.

There's still no one on earth who could make me both laugh and cry at the same time. It is only HIM who could make me insane without doing anything. It is only Him who captured my heart and whom I know who will love me despite of my imperfection and mistakes, despite my own failures and bad thoughts. Because in Him I know I am safe and well protected, in Him i have found peace. In Him alone I can be my self, in Him I can be the best. In Him, I could cry my heart out without embarrassing myself. You see, I still wasn't able to find someone whose comparable to Him. I know that there's no one like Him and there's no one on earth who could do those things like He did. But I know, I always know that even if I am single, I will always have Him.

When my time comes and my DADDY won't let me meet the prince charming I am waiting for, then I promise to devote myself to Thee. Thy will be done and not mine. For He said, He had called me by my name, "I love you and you are MINE" then everything I have and will be having, I am willing to let go to follow HIM. I will leave everything on earth to be with HIM, if that's what He wants. For I am a servant of the Lord, though I am a princess, everything that the King asks will be granted.

Christmas is in the Air!!

Days are so fast that I haven't realized it's already advent, days from now and it's already Christmas. Everyone is so busy, and they're already buying gifts for their family and special someones. The mall is crowded and the traffic is heavy. It's the season to be jolly and to be holy.

You see, CHRISTMAS is very much awaited, almost everybody is looking forward for this day to arrive, especially when you're a FILIPINO, they say that "walang tatalo sa pasko ng 'Pinas" because we filipinos are very traditional and loving, very thoughtful too. We value the gift of family and friends, we value almost everything. But sometimes we tend to forgot the real essence of Christmas, what are we celebrating it for?

CHRISTMAS without CHRIST is just mas--moment of sadness. We tend to feel sad and lonely. Sometimes, we don't even remember that it is the birth of Christ, we are just looking for something that can feed our eyes and earthly wants, we tend to forget our soul and the very essence of the celebration. We forgot that it's not only a time of giving and receiving, it is also a time of forgiveness and peace.

So this Christmas, let us not only feed our body, let us feed our soul, let us celebrate it wholeheartedly, without feeling empty and let's love each other!

Goodbye Typhoon

Thank you Lord, for sparing us from typhoon Pablo, we never experienced the wrath of mother nature's revenge for mankind, you never let us walk into the waters, you never let your wind destroyed our houses. Thank you Lord for your love for us, I don't know if I am the only one thinking that you're spoiling us? haha! (kidding)

Lord, please help our brothers and sisters in Mindanao who got hit by the strong typhoon, let them know that You are there, that You truly exist. Let them know that You will take care of everything and everything will be alright in due time. Let them know that You love them and You are God, that there is nothing to be feared about. Let them know that You hear their prayers. Lord, please cradle in Your loving arms the people who met their tragic ends, and let them enter Your kingdom. Father God, embrace the family who are left behind and those who needs shelter, food and clothing. We need You, and I know You could hear our prayers.

Thank you DAD! You really are the best! I love you!

Feeling So Blessed!

Yeah! It's been so long since my last visit. I missed you, you know. I was just too preoccupied and lazy too. Sorry! It's December already and Christmas is in the air, days to go and viola Jesus will be born!

By the way, I am writing this blog, because I feel so blessed! I really am! I'm so blessed to have friends and family who loves me and cares for me. I have a good sense of direction and common sense too. I have God. There's nothing I could ask for more, because with them, I am complete.

I may not have all the material things this world can offer, all I have are things that money can't buy, happiness, satisfaction, friends, family and a loving God. Who would ask for more? Because with these, I have more than enough. In this lifetime, I will just walk by this earth, everything can be taken away any minute, my life can be cut any moment, I can't bring these things with me, when that time comes, but with your love, and memories. Yeah, no one can take them away from me, and I am thankful for such wonderful things. Thank you so much, for being part of my life.

In HIM, I'm more than happy, contented and because of his overflowing love that I can love others, it is because of his mercy that I could forgive others, it is because of his helping hands that I can serve others, it is because I'm HIS princess that I can be so spoiled! =))

Underdose

I wasn't able to post a blog for weeks and I am guilty that. I was very busy these past few weeks and I always sleep early too. But this time I need to blog, because I know I can't sleep if I can't unload the burden.

Yesterday, we were under staff because one colleague was absent and another one was doing another job, everything was under control until an incident occurred. I was the pharmacist-on-duty and I scanned the doctors' orders and generate cost center slips. I was the one who processed the medication of one patient who happened to be the father of a nurse. By that time, everyone were so busy and every one where doing the usual stuffs. I didn't know who prepared the medication and who gave it to the nurse, I don't remember if I was the one or not. I only remember that I was the one who printed the medication charges.

The nurse, came by the pharmacy to report what happened just this evening. she told us that we gave the station the wrong dosage strength of Augmentin. The medication should be Augmentin 625mg but then her father was given Augmentin 375mg. Her father had it for 4 doses, I don't know what to do because if you look at it, we were at fault, because we should be the last one who will check the medication, and I am just wondering why, they never call our attention when they received the medicine. Because there's a big difference in size between the tablets and appearance. Even if it is your first time and you didn't see a label of the dosage, you should ask your pharmacist or your senior staff if the one given to you were correct.

I am just worried. Because I will never want it to happen with a member of my family, I understand her concern. I am afraid.

October 1st

Its October!!! Days from now and it's sembreak already! I need to make my exams and need to print them out. I am so busy! I forgot to post about my birthday, and other stuffs.

Btw, I am trying to forget someone and something but then, the more I try, the harder it is to forget them!

I don't know what I am feeling right now, I feel so tired, depressed, excited yet I feel so different. I feel so incomplete. I feel so ALONE.

Yes, tomorrow is my birthday, but I feel that it is will be just an ordinary day like just any other day, the only fact is, I was born this day, 23 years ago. Time pass by so fast that I happen not to notice that I am turning 23 in a few hours. Still, I don't know what I want, and I don't know what I feel. Maybe, today is the worst feeling I have. :(

basta indi gid ko kabalo sang akon nabatyagan, kag indi ko maichindihan ang akon na feel. hayz!