where am i?

Like what I said, I am confused. I am so down, depressed and sad. I am not like me, I am turning into someone I am not. I miss my old self. It's been so long that I am this way and I am not happy about it. I really feel so bad, I really feel like I'm a bad person.

If I die one day, I just hope that people will remember me as the girl who always smile, a girl who knows nothing but happiness, the girl who is strong and independent. If one day I die, I hope I had made anyone happy that they knew me. I want to be remembered as the girl whose kind and nice.

I really need to find myself.

sorry

Kasabay ng malakas na buhos ng ulan
Ay ang pagbuhos ng luha sa aking mga mata
Kasabay ng malamig na dapyo ng hangin sa aking katawan
Narinig ko ang mga salitang hindi ko maisipan

Kung nasaktan man kita, patawarin mo sana
Hindi ko ninais na ganoon ang magagawa
Hindi ko naisip na ganoon ang iyong makita
Patawarin mo ako, ako'y hiyang-hiya

Totoo naman lahat ng sinabi mo
Hindi ko lang naman napigilan ang damdamin ko
Hindi ko lang lubos maisip kung bakit
Bakit ako nagkaganito

Ako'y nasasaktan sa di malamang dahilan
Ako'y nalilito sa mga pinagdadaanan
Mata ko'y hilam na sa mga luha
Mahl naman kita, hindi mo ba nakikita?

Ina ko, patawarin mo ako
Hinding-hindi ko uulitin pa ito
Kung ano man ang nagawang kasalanan ko
Sana maintindihan at mapatawad mo

innuendo

Why is it there are always people who are fond of making innuendos. And they are very much happy doing it, they are happy that they could hurt others.  Why is it, they can't tell it directly to the person involved? Why is it they are too brave to talk behind your back, or to talk in front of you but not directly?

Just A Thought...Hmmm!!

I am ALONE.  It's not usually rare, because I am ALWAYS alone, all by myself. All by my own, just with my own shadow. Sometimes I want to be with someone other than myself, my family or my friends. Sometimes I want to be with someone I could count on to, someone who will hold my hand and tell me that everything will be alright. Sometimes, I want to be with someone who will be by my side when difficult times will come, when I am facing certain problems and trials, someone who will be there to support me and will just be behind my back, pushing me forward, encouraging me that I could always do it. That someone who will be my Bruce Wayne, or my silent protector.

I had written the above paragraph about 3 days ago, and I don't want to be alone in the end, I realized that even though I love my freedom and I love being single, we can't deny the fact that it's really different if you have your own family in the near future. I realized how hard it is for a single lady or a single man, when there will be a time that they need someone by their side, when they need someone to take care of them, because you can not always ask assistance from your nieces or nephews, your siblings have their own lives to live too.

My old-maid aunt was admitted yesterday, and she's living alone. Though you can see her happy and always laughing, we always know that she needs someone who could take care of her. She's able and she's so vivacious and hyper.  She's now facing another chapter of her life, she'll undergo an operation, I think it will be appendectomy later, and she needs moral support and prayers. I know that my aunt is a strong woman and she could face whatever what's in front of her. I feel so sad, because everyone is busy and no one will take care of her at the hospital, because everyone has work to do. I don't want to be like her, I don't want to be pitied when that time comes.

I don't care how long, but I'm willing to wait,no matter how silly it may seems. I know that it will all be worth it. Everything will be done and will come in due time.  Everything will all be according to HIS plans and will. I will not complain, I just need to accept that everything is happening because He knows what's best for me and I am just waiting for the "period" when He's done writing my love story. I know that it will be the sweetest and the most romantic story ever told.

So whoever you are, wherever you are, make it fast, will you?

Just Done Solving!

Oh my goodness!!! I just finished solving the grades of my dear students and I just can't believe that more than half of the class failed!!! And never in my whole entire life did I ever had this grades like them. I am not that intelligent when it comes to academics, and I am not that diligent too, my study habits were PRN. But even so, I didn't have grades below 75 since I started schooling.

Students now are really too far away from the students before... and it's a sad thing!

Sad Truth

Minsan, tayo mismo ang rason kung bakit tayo nasasaktan...

Sometimes, we are the reason why we experience pain.

Sometimes pain is self-inflicted.  And that sometimes, we are just to proud to accept that we are the main reason why we are experiencing such agony and pain, but most often than not, we are looking for someone we could point our fingers to, to take the blame. We are looking for scapegoats.

I Just Can't Sleep

Even though I am so damn tired right now, I just can't sleep because of our inconsiderate neighbors who are still singing out loud rock songs in the middle of the night who doesn't have a plan to sleep. I just hope that they would let us enter the dreamland and enjoy our supposed to be deep slumber.

Despite what's happening right now, I am just here stuck in my blog, staring at my monitor and tapping the keyboard to create sentences and paragraphs pertaining to what I want to say and feel.  I am happy that since February of this year, I have been blogging and no month was left with the big zero. I am surprised that it became my habit to blog or post something, my goal this year is to create more post and be better in what I'm doing, develop my passion in writing and hope that one day I could create a book and publish them. 

I am happy that I could freely write what I want without people judging me, if they could read this and might judge me through this, then it is their choice. I don't even care, because they don't know me, they could just comment or read this, they don't even know if I might have ghost writers (do I look like I have?).  I am just happy that I could share my thoughts with my computer!

Gusto Ko lang

Today, I just want to talk in my own national language--Filipino.

"Mahirap magalit ang mababait."

Ito ang aking post sa aking "what's on your mind" sa social network na Facebook o ang tinatawag natin na FB.  Nabasa ko ito minsan, at ito ay naaayon sa mga taong katulad ko o katulad mo na mabait, at minsan lang kung magalit.

Ako ang tao na hindi parating nagagalit, na kung pwede lang naman pagpasensyahan ay gagawin ko, kung pwede lang namang pag-usapan ay mas gusto ko iyon. Hindi ako ang tipo na nagkikimkim ng galit (dahil bawal ito, dahil sa aking kondisyon sa puso), at hindi din ako iyong tipo na makakatulog na alam kong may galit sa akin o kung may kinagagalitan ako, hindi kasi ako sanay sa ganoon. Gusto ko, kung may taong galit sa akin sabihin niya sa harap ko at hihingi ako ng tawad sa nagawa ko kung nakasakit man ako na hindi ko namamalayan, at kapag ako ang nagalit, kahit na minsan lang parang bulkan, isahan ang bagsak! Pero matapos kong magalit ay wala na sa akin iyon, hindi ako mahilig mag grudge, pero alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako iyong tipong makakalimutin. Mapapatawad kita sa mga nagawa mong kasalanan pero hindi ko madaling kalimutan ang mga nangyari.

Kanina, nagalit ako sa aking mga estudyante, dahil marami ang hindi nakapasa sa prelim exam nila. At sa oras na nagre-recheck kami ng kanilang mga sagot, hindi pa sila nakikinig at napakaingay ng silid aralan. Hindi ko na makayanan ang aking pagpapahaba ng pasensya, naubos na talaga, simula ng magturo ako noon Hunyo, alam ko na madaling panahon lang ang itinagal ng pasensya ko, pero alam ko na nasa tamang panahon na para ako ay magalit at magsalita sa klase nila na hindi ko na makayanan ang kanilang mga pinapakitang kabastusan at walang respeto.

Alam ko na hindi ako dapat magalit dahil ako lang din naman ang lalabas na talo, pero minsan kailangan mo ring ilabas ang isang bahagi ng iyong pagkatao na minsan lang makita ng iba para malaman din nila na hindi sa lahat ng panahon ay okay lang, dahil ang mga taong mababait ang mga taong palaging inaabuso. Hindi na ako ang taong tumatahimik na lang sa isang sulok ngayon, ako ay isang tao na, na sinasabi na kung ano ang iniisip at nararamdaman ko (puwera lamang sa damdaming pag-ibig dahil hanggang ngayon ako ay isang duwag pa rin).

Salamat na lamang at meron pa akong palabasan ng aking tunay na nararamdaman, hindi man ako magaling na manunulat, pero ginagawa ko naman ang lahat ayon sa aking kaalaman na maipabatid kung sa kanino mang mambabasa ang aking saloobin.

Its the 23rd of July

My all-time crush since history

Dearest Daniel,

Happy 23rd Birthday!!!

I offer you this post of mine for your birthday. I am very, very happy that you are happy and in love.  I am happy that you've found the girl you will cherish. I only want the best for you, you know that I've been crushing on you for so long, and you've been a part of my life since then and you will always be. You are making me happy in ways you never know and see (you're too far from me). Funny how time flies so fast, you really look so mature right now but then I will always remember you as my HARRY POTTER despite all the movies and plays you've done after.

I am wishing you happiness and love, more blessings and projects, safety and protection, all the best in life. I know that you may have almost everything that you want and need, but I still wish that you will reach what you really want in life. I wish you would still be the same.

I will always be  fan and I hope one of these glorious days or in the near future (if the world will not end) I'll get a chance of meeting you personally.  And when that time comes, I know I will be the happiest girl in the world, it will be a dream come true for me.  It doesn't matter now, if you're not the one I'm gonna marry in the future, just to see you or talk to you would really mean a lot for me.  You will always be my Harry Potter and my ultimate crush.

Whatever the future will be, I'm always a fan! =)

P.S. I celebrated your birthday this afternoon (as usual, alone). I will always celebrate your birthday, with or with out you! =)


Always,

countess yojin

He Totally Did RISE!

Batman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was a Batman fan since I was young, I have seen many versions and different actors who became batman as well as robin. Batman never fails to amuse me, the eccentric billionaire who hides in his black suit and cape. I watched it earlier alone, as usual! Again, he did rise. I am just so inspired by him, that even though he was in pain and agony, he took blame for everything, he lost his company, lost his trusted butler, he still have the heart to help his city, he still believes in the people. I am so touched and admire him more. He could just save his self but he didn't.

From all the superheroes of DC Comics, Batman is the closest to reality. He doesn't have special powers or laser eyes, he doesn't have super strength and super speed, he doesn't need a ring and a pair of wings. All he has are his precious gadgets and his trusted people. All he has is his body and soul, as well as his intelligence. In my own opinion and point of view, he's the most witty among the Justice League. He thinks before he acts, he knows how to use his skill and gadgets, though he may always be beaten out by the antagonists, he always know when to stand up and fight again.

Batman is my childhood hero.

Where is Chivalry?

I watched a concert this evening with my 2 friends and colleagues, my workmates, Krisha and Mommy Jen. The concert ended at around 11 in the evening.

We went home together because I was not fetched by my father, and I'm too shy to call home. I just texted my mother that I was about to head home. We rode the jeepney together and Krisha was the first one to get down.  It was raining then, and I just had my umbrella, I went down at the plaza, to ride another jeep.

As I rode the vehicle, no one moved a muscle, no one was giving way for me to seat. And I asked myself, wow! Will these guys just look at me there squatting? Will they offer their seat? I didn't sit, I squatted and that was just too tiring and my legs were about to give up, and I could see them, sitting comfortably.

I realized that men these days lost their chivalry, lost their gentleness and it's just too bad. Men these days do need to be asked for a favor because they are not doing things whole heartedly. I don't know what happened to the princes who were saving the damsel in distress, the guys who will do everything for the girl they loved, the men who will always be a gentleman. Where are those guys who doesn't need telling to, the guys who doesn't need to be turned up. Did they turn into frogs or dogs?

Chivalry is all lost in this generation and I think it will never be back til the next. And it is a sad thing!

=((

I can now fully understand what my teachers felt when we were just students. How they felt when they're making the exam papers and what they felt when they're checking it. What they felt when their students weren't able to reach the cut off score and just fail, what they felt when they saw the score of their students for a very easy exam. I can fully understand their situation, now that I am a teacher and was able to check my first exam for my first time of being a teacher.

I really feel so bad. That despite all the things and efforts you've made to make it easy for them, even though you're spoon feeding them, giving them everything they need it's not yet enough. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from them, or maybe I expected them to be like us, who were afraid to fail, who were too afraid to repeat and who feared to cheat.

As I was checking the papers, I was so depressed to see that almost all of my students failed the exam, that almost half or more never got it to the cut off.  And they had time to take it as a joke. As an educator, it's never easy to see them fail, it's never easy to teach a lesson, and it's never easy to see your students treating your class as a joke. I know that I had done my best, I gave my best efforts and I just hope that my students will do their part.

I don't want to be a princess of doom but in this case, maybe I just be who I was called for, a pharmacist and I will just accept that, maybe it's high time that I will be more strict.

You Better Get Out

To Whom It May Concerned,

I just want to inform you that you're hurt by what I had said because you know you're wrong. I want you to know that truth hurts and reality bites. If you don't want to hear anything bad about you, try to do something about your attitude, try to be sensitive, try to have an effort, have an urgency, to tell you honestly we don't need you, because it feels like you're just a flower vase there, doing nothing, just for display.

Well you better live by this rule. "Do not do unto others, what you don't want others to do unto you"
A taste of your own medicine huh?? Now you know how it feels to have someone like you.

I'm not Crazy, I just Had A Bad Day!

I had a very, very, very bad day this morning! I had experienced the worst morning shift in my entire week. I had faced a lot of problems since the start of my shift until the very end. I just wish I am like a doll--heartless, insensitive and numb. Sometimes I wish I were different, I wish I'm not too kind or too good. Sometimes, I just want to be someone who don't care, someone who just stand by at the sidelines, not who I am who always the one to solve others' problems, the someone everyone can lean on to, the someone who never get tired, the someone whose patience is beyond compare, but then, no matter how kind and good-hearted you are, you may reach your peak and eventually explode.

I am the kind of person that is truly kind and nice in nature, but once you've done something wrong, you've abused my kindness, then my kindness is not that big compared to my bad side. People never knew the real me, all they had seen is my kindness and sweetness, they had never seen the dark side of myself, the part where I could kick some butt and slap your face.

My patience is getting thinner.

I Badly Need One!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Smart phones, I badly need!

I don't know what happened to my phone, I need to turn it off a lot of times so that I could have a signal so that I could send and receive a message. I also need to turn it off so that I could not see this "insert sim card" on my phone screen.

I'm getting pissed off! I hate what's happening. I really need to save up just to have a new phone! It's so hard if you're poor.

Exam Making

Grrr!!! I thought answering exam papers are hard, but then its harder making the questions! I'm having a hard time constructing questions.

I've been staring at my monitor for almost over 2 hours, I wasn't able to create questions that will not that be easy and not too hard for my students.

Being a teacher is hard indeed! Especially when it's your first time!

Missing You So BAD!

 

 

feels like I'm this little child

I am single but I miss someone. I am single but each day I get to miss you. I just don't know what I feel for you, but you're special to me. I care for you, like the way I care for my family. I'm concerned about you, like the way I am with my best friend.  I don't really know who you are, I don't know you're entire background and life story. I don't know certain things about you, but all I know is we're friends. (If that's what you call it). You know what, sometimes I don't know what to say or do, whenever I'm in front of you. Sometimes I wanted to hate you but I just can't. Sometimes, I hate myself for treating you special when there's no way you could treat me like that.  Maybe I like you or maybe I'm just like this. I'm not expecting you to like me back, or reciprocate what I've done. I only want you happy, even if it's not with me. And one day I just hope that I could name this feeling, that I could be certain about it, maybe I'm falling for you, but then as what they say, there are people who look good together but we're never meant to be, never meant to stay forever. People say, we look good together but I know maybe, we're really not meant to be. It's okay, it's absolutely fine, at least there's a time in my life that I've liked someone who also gave me his attention for a while, even if it's only friendship that we have and that it will the only thing that will exist between us. Be happy and be strong, my superman. Just like the picture, everything is gray without you, cause you're like crayons, you color up my world, with you everything is technicolor.

Just remember, I'm always here for you.

-countess

I Ain't SUPERGIRL!!

I am only human, of flesh and blood I'm made. I'm only human, born to make mistakes.

I am just a girl, who happens to be good in something I do, who happens to be better than others before me. It is not a brag. I know my capabilities and I know what I can do. 

But sometimes, I need help too. I can't do everything in my power to please all the stations and the ER.  I can't just steal Naruto's kage-bunshin-nu-jutsu technique and divide myself to do everything.  But what if, you had done everything and the rest is doing nothing? What will you do, if you're patience snapped out? What will you do if you're too tired to do all the fighting? You need your side-kicks, you need some support. But what if, you can't get them???

Alone

What happened to team work? What happened to helping out each other?

I was really pissed off early. Sometimes, it is better to work alone than to be with someone who just looks at you instead of giving a hand. 

Sometimes, alone is better than the rest.

Sometimes, alone is faster than the others.

Sometimes, alone can do everything right without the others.

But sometimes, alone needs someone too.

Future?

I am a little girl, I am not afraid of the future, but I am worried about it. I am juggling two jobs now, a regular hospital pharmacist and a part-time instructor. I asked my students how much did they pay for their tuition fee and they told me, it's almost 32,000php for the first semester. I was like "oh no! That expensive?" Early this afternoon, the class were dismissed a little early. I had a friend, also a part-time instructor who told me that he needs to pay for his sister's tuition fee, and I asked him, how much will he pay, he said that he has to pay about 7,000php for pre-lim only. Then, I realized, if ever I will have a family in the future and I need to send my kids to school, how will I afford all of it? It's very, very expensive to send someone to school and in the future, if ever, what will I do?

Assume Nothing

Have you ever experience a situation where in your phone beeped and you're expecting it might be someone replying to your message or a very good news or someone you badly missed sent you a text, only to find out it came from your network service provider? I am always a victim of this situation, where in I am very much excited that someone is sending me a message and when I open it, it's just a crappy message from my provider. I just had it earlier, I was eating and then my phone beeped, and I was happy that someone remembered me but I just got frustrated seeing the usual number of my provider. Another lesson learned for me, never ever expect something, so that it will never be that painful and frustrating. Assume nothing and wait for something to come. We'll there's nothing wrong with being hopeful, we just need to be cautious.

Princess of Doom

I gave a quiz this afternoon, and the questions were very easy, even high school students could answer it. I was just wondering that some of my students got very low scores. Out of 20 questions they got 4. I am questioning myself if I had done everything for them, why is it, they can't answer my questions. Simple enumeration of the parts of a plant, they gave me nucleus, cytoplasm, etc. I was insulted, I was hurt! I will not lower my standards just for them, if they could be so hard to carry, I will be harder to pursue. We'll see later on who will win.

:)

I didn't stay up late to study when I was in school, but now I am oblige to study for other people. Shaping them to be one of the best pharmacist in the future. Being a teacher is not easy, it is harder than being a student and I salute all teachers in the world, for teaching students from different walks of life, different wavelengths, and understanding, it's hard to be patient with all the noise around. It's tiring to stand in front and talk for hours. I am now, happy that I am a teacher.

I'm Still Here

To whom it may concern I am not a charity case and I don't need your pity. I didn't ask for you to love me back, or I mean like me back. I didn't ask you to make friends with me, you were the one who ask me to be your friend, and being naturally good-natured, kind and sweet,I accepted you for who you are, I trusted you and I am being true to every words and actions I've said and done. I have no pretensions and I have no reason to do it. I don't know what is your real intentions towards me, is it purely friendship, do you like me but you're too shy to tell or is there something else? I don't want to assume and I don't want to presume, I just want to have a clear answer so that I will know my place, I will know my limitations and I will know your side of the story. I admit, I had a crush on you and I had been thinking about having you as my boyfriend in the near future, I believed when you said that you were single and you were not courting anyone, but then when I knew that you were in a relationship, that trust was broken, the like I had for you melted. I swore that I will never like you anymore, I didn't hate you for lying, I just don't like the way it turned out between us, but I never stopped being your friend, our communication had died when you had your relationship, but then when you broke up, you're here again, bugging me like nothing happened. I don't blame you because you didn't know that I like you and you don't have anything to do about it, its just that you don't have to be so sweet and act like you care when you actually don't. You don't have to be so kind, when all you want to do is walk away. You don't have to act like you like me to be your friend when I feel like I am the only one being a friend. I don't actually count the things I did and will be doing for you, because I am your friend and no matter what happen it will never change, it will never stop until you're the one who will push me away. I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did but then I don't want to tell you about it, and now, I am happy to say that I think, I just think that I will never ever have you, especially now that I think you're drifting away, that you're changing into someone new, someone I don't know. I may not know who you really are, I don't know all simple things a friend should know, but then I will always be here when you need me. My friends keep on telling me that we're good together but then, they're the only one who can notice, you will never ever notice me I know, cause in your heart, she's the only one you know, she's the only one you will give your heart to, I can't do anything about it and the only thing I know is, I am just here.

Bad Day!

I had a bad, bad day! I thought my day would end so well, but then as time pass by going to the end, it turned around. I will end up having a not-so-good-rainy-night.